Alaska couple draws from past mistakes in assisting hurting marriages

CatholicAnchor.org
After eight years providing marriage preparation for engaged couples in Ketchikan, Alaska, Gregory and Kathleen Fast admitted their own marriage needed a life raft.

“We realized we were in a bad place in our marriage and we wanted to do marriage better,” Kathleen explained. “We had a lot going on between us that was not lovely. It was not godly. That’s why we did Retrouvaille.”

Retrouvaille, a name that means “rediscover” in French, has its roots in Canada. In 1977, couples in Quebec acknowledged that Marriage Encounter, a popular Catholic ministry, while useful for many couples, did not effectively assist those marriages in considerable conflict.

As Kathleen put it, “Some marriages needed more than an oil change. They needed an engine overhaul. Their relationships needed more intensive work. Retrouvaille was founded out of that need.”

Gregory explains, “Marriage Encounter says they take a good marriage and make it better. We don’t have a catchy slogan like that. We’re taking miserable marriages and making them good marriages.”

Both in Alaska and in the country at large, marriages are suffering. According to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, 23 percent of American Catholics have experienced divorce. And multiple surveys across the past several years show that Alaska’s divorce rate is one of the highest in the country.

Kathleen is quick to point out that deteriorating marriages don’t all look the same. The reasons for marital breakdown are many. “Retrouvaille isn’t just for those who are contemplating divorce. It’s for couples who are experiencing disillusionment, or even misery, in their marriages. They may be living with it and not contemplating divorce.”

Marriage, according to Retrouvaille, consists of four stages: romance, disillusionment, misery and awakening to joy, with most couples getting divorced in the misery stage.

While some couples struggle with volatile communication and frequent conflicts, the “married singles” lifestyle is another problematic state, in which individuals within a marriage live life apart from their spouse while remaining under the same roof.

“That is obviously counterproductive to the sacramental unity intended for marriage,” Kathleen notes. “When we become one flesh, there is a vibrant, willing testimony from the marriage that flows forth from the Holy Spirit.”

As with Marriage Encounter, participants in Retrouvaille spend a weekend alongside other participants. Couples, known as “presenting couples,” share their testimony of intense marital struggle accompanied by renewal and joy. A priest walks alongside the couples as a spiritual counselor. A crash course in a sharing model of communication provides participants with tools to move past the misery state in their marriage and experience renewal.

The Fasts emphasize that Retrouvaille is not only for couples on the brink of divorce.

“It doesn’t have to be an earth-shattering crisis,” Kathleen explained. “It can be, ‘I wish it were better.’”

Gregory recounts his own Retrouvaille weekend as a participant.

“We didn’t experience it immediately, but as we worked through the program, we started to see a glimmer of hope,” he said. “That glimmer of hope started turning into an awakening to joy. Things are not always perfect between us, but when they do start to deteriorate we have tools we can use to get back on track and stay on track.”

During a recent Retrouvaille weekend in Anchorage, participants gathered from Homer, Ketchikan, Juneau, Fairbanks, Kenai and Anchorage. The Fasts spent the week after Retrouvaille following up with the participating couples to ensure they have the support and tools they need to process their intense weekend of reflection and communication.

Retrouvaille participants commit to attending follow-up meetings to work through the remainder of the program and solidify the skills they have learned. Topics addressed during that time include effective listening, commitment and love as decisions, and intimacy, among others.

“They have experienced the high of the mountain,” Kathleen said of the participating couples. “We’re looking for them to develop habits for a lifetime. So we’re going to call and check in … and encourage them to keep dialoging with each other and not be discouraged if they have setbacks.”

After fighting for their own marriage, the Fasts find great fulfillment in helping to facilitate the healing of marriages in their community.

“The joy we see are the couples who come in on a Friday night,” Gregory observed. “Some of them are barely speaking to each other. Some of them are crying. Many of them don’t want to be there. By Sunday afternoon, they’re holding hands, they’re touching each other, they’re smiling, they’re laughing. It’s not a quick fix but on the weekend they get a glimmer of hope, the possibility of what can be. Through the seven weeks of working through the program, we give them the tools to keep that alive in their relationship.”

Unfortunately, not every marriage reaches this state, even with the aid from Retrouvaille.

“The sadness in this ministry is when one half of a couple decides not to work,” Gregory lamented. “A few months later, we hear they’ve divorced. We can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves. And that’s sad. The program really works if you work it.”

Married 22 years, the Fasts have three children. Between the 11 couples on the most recent Retrouvaille weekend, there were 36 children who could potentially be affected by the divorce of their parents. The Fasts believe these children are one of the biggest reasons for Retrouvaille.

Monica Fast, age 12, has told her parents that she sees the impact of Retrouvaille in her parents’ marriage.

“They fight shorter, and not as loudly,” she said. “They fight a lot less and talk a lot more. They talk and talk and talk.”

As Retrouvaille expands in Alaska, the Fasts appreciate the support they have received from the Archdiocese of Anchorage and continue to pray for a priest to step forward into the role of Retrouvaille priest in Alaska. Father David Clay, a Columbian missionary priest who has ministered in the Philippines for the past 50 years, served in this role for Anchorage most recently.

“The priest presents his relationship with the church as a marriage during the weekend,” Kathleen explained. “He shepherds us in the spiritual aspects of the weekend, and offers examples of the trials and the unmet expectations.”

In the meantime, the Fasts continue to relish the fruits of the Retrouvaille weekend they attended.

Gregory mused, “I love Kathleen more than even the first couple of years when we were married and in our honeymoon phase. I have found this wonderful partner and the joy of my life that I had lost.”

Kathleen agreed.

“It’s nice to get to know each other all over again — some people just grow gradually apart,” she said. “Others have cataclysmic events that drag them apart. There’s a joy in taking the cross that we’ve borne and using it for good.”

Retrouvaille happens twice a year in Anchorage. To register for the next weekend, Feb. 26-28 go to helpourmarriage.com. For additional information, send a confidential email to the Fasts at Anchorage@retrouvaille.org.