Outreach gives engaged Alaskans a dose of reality

CatholicAnchor.org
It’s no secret that stable, lifelong marriages are under intense pressure across much of the modern world. Viewed by many as a growing global crisis, the problem has long been on the Catholic Church’s radar and was a central concern during the recent Vatican Synod on the Family held late last year in Rome.

A PROVEN HISTORY

But it is also seen as a pressing challenge in Alaska where volunteers for the local affiliate of the international Catholic Engaged Encounter ministry have labored for decades to ensure that couples go into marriage with eyes wide open.

Engaged Encounter has a proven history of helping couples prepare for challenges associated with modern marriage. At the recent Family Synod in Rome two representatives from Engaged Encounter were invited to share their insights with the pope and leading bishops.

Pope Francis said these Family Synod discussions centered on serious challenges to the family, and were discussed “in the light of the fundamental truths about the sacrament of matrimony — its indissolubility, unity, fidelity and openness to life.”

The Alaska chapter of Engaged Encounter has helped local couples grapple with these same truths since 1979, when only two couples attended the group’s first weekend retreat. By the late 1980s the ministry in Alaska had grown to six weekends a year, with about 20 couples attending each session. Today there are only two weekends a year, but the focus on marriage preparation remains.

CONFRONTING ISSUES

The ministry’s goal is to give couples the communication tools needed to make marriage last. The weekend retreats provide an in-depth, private, personal, marriage preparation experience within the context of Catholic faith and values. Couples take a serious look at their strengths and weaknesses, desires, goals, attitudes about money, sex, children, family and their roles in the church and society. They are confronted with these issues before marriage with the aim of helping them prepare for when these topics arise during the span of a marriage.

Deacon Felix Maguire has volunteered for the Archdiocese of Anchorage’s Engaged Encounter ministry for more than 30 years. In his view, the outreach gives couples an opportunity to focus on what lies ahead of them — both the good and bad.

“As the EE motto says, ‘a wedding is a day, but a marriage is a lifetime,’” Deacon Maguire said. “The goal is for them to understand marriage as a sacrament, not just a sacred moment on the wedding day but a living sacrament every day.”

MERCY IN BROKENNESS

In the final report of the recent Family Synod the participating bishops noted that marriage struggles are a far greater challenge in societies that do not value the sacramental nature of marriage or even understand the church’s teachings on the subject.

Deacon Mick Fornelli heads up the ministry in Anchorage and notes that it is now common for couples preparing for marriage to be cohabitating, or living together, before their wedding.

Engaged Encounter organizers follow the recent Synod of the Family’s suggestion of showing mercy for injured and fragile families, especially to Catholics who are not validly married but still cohabitate.

While they do not shame cohabitating couples, Engaged Encounter volunteers do house them separately during the weekend retreat, and fully explain the church’s position and rationale for its stance.

“We explain to couples that you would not go on your honeymoon before the wedding, and the same is true of marriage,” said Deacon Fornelli. “We recommend that cohabitating couples commit to ‘renewed chastity’ until they marry, and to recognize marriage for the blessed sacrament that it is.”

Another modern challenge arises from couples attending Engaged Encounter who come from a previous marriage that has since been annulled. Sometimes these couples may think that a new spouse will solve their marital problems.

“Some are expecting it to be easier as they find in their new companion the good traits of the first spouse and none of the bad ones,” Deacon Fornelli observed. “However, they have yet to discover the new partner has his or her own baggage.”

“Complicating that is when they become a blended family and all those issues have to be dealt with,” he added, noting that children from a previous marriage can sometimes be a challenge.

“EE teaches couples enhanced communication skills so they go into the marriage with eyes wide open about how hard it can be in those situations,” he added.

MODERN CHALLENGES

Modern conveniences are also presenting new challenges for couples, as noted in the recent Family Synod’s final report. The document notes that “television, smart phones and computers can be a real impediment to dialogue among family members, leading to a breakdown and alienation in relationships within a family, where communication depends more and more on technology.”

Jennifer Robertson is an Engaged Encounter volunteer who agrees with the Family Synod’s view after noticing a trend among engaged couples.

“Our busy lifestyle can contribute to couples not spending enough time together or slowly allowing technology to be a third person in the relationship,” she said.

“Engaged Encounter works when couples step away from their normal routine and spend undistracted time together,” Robertson added. “The weekend allows them to discuss topics they might not have addressed yet or address topics on a deeper level.”

REAL-WORLD SUCCESS

Anchorage couple John and Jane Erkmann have been Engaged Encounter volunteers for 20 years. They see evidence of the program’s impact on a more personal level.

“Occasionally we see couples go through the weekend retreat and decide not to get married, or to delay the wedding until they are better prepared,” John Erkmann observed. “We consider that a success, too, because couples are now thinking honestly about whether their marriage could sustain the real-life, stressful situations that inevitably come up over the years.”

Deacon Maguire agrees. “I remember one man who came to EE three times, each time with a different woman. He married the last one and has been happily married for several decades. That too, is a success.”

A key element of the program is instilling a sense of real-world awareness about marriage.

“We explain to couples that the road of marriage will have potholes, detours and obstacles; it’s not one smooth highway,” Deacon Fornelli said. “We give them a dose of reality that helps them better understand everything involved in a modern marriage, as well as the tools they need to stay unified and faithful.”

The next Engaged Encounters are scheduled for January 9-11 and May 29-31 at Holy Spirit Retreat House in Anchorage. Interested couples may contact Deacon Mick Fornelli at (907) 297-7770. Applications are also available online at         archdioceseofanchorage.org by clicking on “ministries” and entering “Engaged Encounter” into the search function.