Ask Fr. Leo: Take time to prepare for your marriage

Dear Fr. Leo,

     Well, I did it. I proposed to my girlfriend and now she is my fiancée! What do I have to do next to get married in the Church? – B

Dear B,

   Congratulations! As the great social philosopher Groucho Marx once said, “Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?!” 

Seriously, the sacrament of Holy Matrimony is one of the best ways to become holy as you help your spouse get to heaven while they do the same for you. Much like Holy Orders, Holy Matrimony is a sacrament of vocation. That is, it is a call to live the Gospel in a very specific way for the building up of the Church and the world. While Holy Orders is primarily lived within the realm of the sacred, Holy Matrimony is characterized by its call to live in the midst of the world for the transformation of the world. Discerning marriage is to discern the total gift of oneself, body and soul, to the other. Essentially, at the moment of consent you are saying, “All that I am, I give to you, without reservation and without condition.” 

Good vocational discernment should be preceded by months and preferably years of prayerful deliberation. As the saying goes, “The wedding is a day, the marriage is a lifetime.” The goal of marriage preparation is to help you prayerfully discern and prepare for a lifetime together.

The process is standard throughout the archdiocese and articulated in the “Sacramental Guidelines and Procedures for Marriage.” The first step is to contact the pastor, parochial vicar or deacon you would like to be your preparing minister to set up an appointment. At this meeting, he will outline for you the steps used in helping couples discern their vocation to marriage. 

One of the first questions he will ask is if both of you are free to marry. The Church takes the institution as well as the sacrament of marriage very seriously. If a person has been married before, whether in a civil or religious ceremony, it will be necessary to determine if that previous marriage was valid according to the marriage law of the Church. Commonly called the “annulment process,” the investigation is conducted by the local (arch)diocesan tribunal. No marriage preparation can take place until it has been definitively established that both parties are free to marry.

But, if neither of you have been married before and are not a secret monk or a secret nun, then the process begins in earnest. The first step is to complete a pre-marital inventory such as the PREPARE/ENRICH or FOCCUS. This is not a compatibility test, but more of a snapshot of your relationship. The inventory identifies the strengths of your relationship as the areas in which it needs to grow. It covers things like personalities, communication, conflict resolution, finances, marital and sexual expectations, children and parenting, spirituality, families of origins, and the like. Your preparing minister or a mentor couple will guide you through a series of exercises to affirm your strengths and give you helpful guidance on how to address your growth areas in practical ways. Most people find this one of the best parts of preparation. 

When in-person marriage preparation is unavailable, the couple may complete an online program of marriage preparation such as the “Beloved” Series on the FORMED or CatholicMarriagePrep websites. The nice thing about the latter is that it also satisfies the requirement to be introduced to a viable Natural Family Planning (NFP)  method. However, there are also many other NFP programs offered that couples are referred to. 

Along the way, your preparing minister will be gathering certain types of documentation. The first is a recent copy of your baptism certificate. This allows us to notify your church of baptism so they may enter your marriage into your sacramental record. Each party will also be asked to have someone who knows them well to submit an affidavit which testifies that he or she is free to marry, is mature enough to take on a married commitment, and is not being forced in any way, shape, or form. This is a great way to have the best man and maid of honor “stand up” for you. 

According to canon law, Catholics are expected to marry another Catholic. If one of the parties is not, it will be necessary to obtain a dispensation for a mixed marriage. There are other dispensations which may be necessary given one’s particular circumstances. Your preparing minister will help you out in this respect. 

Finally, you will need to get a civil marriage license about a month or two before the ceremony. 

Once the necessary steps of sacramental preparation are completed and you understand what you are actually embarking upon, your preparing minister will begin to help you plan the ceremony. A piece of sage advice — the only thing it takes to get married in the Catholic Church is the two of you, two witnesses, and the Church’s minister. The rest is fluff. Nice fluff, but fluff nonetheless. I have done perfectly valid marriages with five of us in the chapel and they are still going strong. Don’t let anybody tell you what needs or does not need to happen. It is your wedding. You plan it according to your tastes and budget. 

One final note: each parish has particular requirements regarding decorating, music, etc. These are born of decades of experience and are there for good reason. Listen to your preparing minister in this regard. You’ll be glad you did. 

Finally, have fun! Solemnity does not mean severity. The joy of the occasion should reflect the joy of the gospel and the profundity of the vocation to which you have been called and will live out for the building up of the Church and the world.